Releasing Chaos Read online

  Releasing him was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did. This wasn't how I'd envisioned our first meeting. Not that I'd imagined him greeting me warmly, or with an enthusiastic… anything. Those were fantasies with no place in my real life. I knew it, and yet the knowledge stung just a little bit. I'd hoped for something more normal. "Hey, how ya doing? I'm Stanley Kendall. We have people we care about in common. Wanna go for a drink?" Something along those lines. When I tracked him down, I hadn't stopped to think about Theo's state of mind. I'd made a couple of assumptions, and Goddess knew I was the king of assuming shit before I gathered all the facts. Sure, Theo had come back from the dead, but so had Tristan and Brian. They seemed to handle the transition with flying colors, and I'd thought Theo would be like them. But seeing him now, I realized I was wrong on so many counts.

  Before Theo had died, he hadn't minded being touched, held, or fucked by either males or she-wolves. The person now sharing my breath had an air of defenselessness about him, his legendary confidence missing, especially when he glanced at me with those huge baby-blues.

  As if he'd read my thoughts, he said, "I'm not that person anymore. He died by Inanna's hand. Not that I need you or anyone else to believe me, Stanley Kendall." He rubbed his wrists. Had I held onto him too tightly?

  I took a step back, giving him space. "You know me?" I frowned, attempting to hide the immediate joy that sprang up.

  The scars twisted as a grin flitted across his face. His eyes held mine, giving away his every thought, his every emotion. He ignored my question, moving back to the pile of clothes he'd been sorting through when I came in. What a backside. I allowed myself a moment of ogling before I dragged my gaze away. I tried to focus on the room, the lush fabrics, the detailed carvings and dark woods, but I stayed hyperaware of every move Theo made.

  "I'm sorry bringing the pups here hurt you. That was never my intention. I don't understand why you refuse to see them, but neither am I someone who has any right to judge." I'd been screwed-up, too. If today was any indication, I still was a screw-up, and probably always would be. Who was I to lecture him on his decisions?

  Behind me, Theo sighed. When I turned, he'd donned a pair of black jeans and held a black T-shirt in his fist. "I don't want to hurt them any more than they've already been. They lost me once through death. Eventually I'll forget who they are to me, so they'll end up losing me again. They deserve a good life, to be happy. Tristan can give them what I can't."

  "I beg to differ," I replied, my voice going husky as I watched his muscles move and stretch. "They need their father. Tristan told me what you agreed to, and the consequences."

  "Then you can see why I refuse to set them up to be hurt again. One day I won't be the father they know. I'll look at them and see strangers. How is that fair to them?" Theo's voice cracked, and he violently pulled the T-shirt over his head, the sound of stressed fabric sharp.

  I didn't come here to argue with him, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. "One day isn't now. They deserve the chance to make the choice."

  Growling very humanly, Theo spun, closed the distance between us in two strides, and decked me. Rocking back from the blow to my jaw, I quickly caught the second swing. His snarl pulled at something in my chest and I yanked him into me. Wrapping my arms securely about him, the wounded noises he made as he struggled pushed an instinctive protectiveness to the fore. I wanted to soothe his pain, help him bear his burden. But if I said so aloud, he wouldn't believe me.

  Of everyone around us, I thought—perhaps egotistically so—that I might be the one who understood him the best. Theo fought against my hold, but it wasn't me he truly struggled with. His past was still dictating his actions, and Theo had yet to understand it didn't have to. I murmured to him, telling him how I had allowed situations—I didn't explain exactly what they were or that they'd revolved around him, because really, how awkward would that be?—to push me into making bad decisions, almost costing me the most important people in my life. How I hadn't known I'd missed my calling, and I'd found another when I joined the Ophidians. I explained to him that I'd been resigned to dying in the trials because I didn't want to be the person I'd been. The loss of my self-respect. The agony and emotional confusion of suddenly being a strong alpha after years of being bound. How I refused to use the magical binding to excuse my actions. I'd held myself accountable and changed the course I'd been on.

  By the time I wound down, Theo no longer struggled but clutched me tightly. If he'd still been an alpha, he could've used superior strength to escape my hold. But I sensed no core of power within him, a power he should have had but curiously lacked. He had given up everything, and bravely put his fate in the hands of someone he'd betrayed.

  I cradled Theo to me, his face buried in my neck, the back of my tunic gripped in his fists as if I were his lifeline. I said nothing about the growing wet spot on my shirt or Theo's wracking sobs. Instead, I subtly inhaled his scent as I gave silent comfort. "When I returned from the Ophidian trials, I made Randy a promise to watch over Justus," I said softly into his ear.

  Theo sniffled. "Who is Randy, and why is he concerned for my son?"

  My anger spiked at the thought Tristan hadn't told Theo. But as quickly as it rose, the emotion fell away with the sudden understanding that to make a clean break, Theo had distanced himself from the lives of those he felt he needed to protect. Nonetheless, he was receptive now and I took advantage of it.

  Keeping my voice low, I explained. "Randy is our ancestor, Gilgamesh. He's been living as a human, working as a ranch foreman until Tristan came along." I huffed out a laugh. Tristan had a knack for changing people's lives. "Justus is Randy's Twin Flame. So when Randy went to seek help from Ereshkigal, the Queen of the Underworld, for Tristan, he knew Justus would struggle with his absence. I promised to watch over Justus until he returned. The task was harder than I thought. Not only did Justus fight to control his wolf, but he attempted to follow Randy. He opened an Anunnaki Gate without a stone and…"

  I trailed off when Theo stared up at me, the terror in his eyes stealing my words. Belatedly, I realized I might've said too much. Man. Can you say idiot?

  "My son," Theo stuttered, his breath quickening. " This Randy is… oh, shit, Stan. My son is the reincarnation of Enkidu?" He gripped the front of my tunic, his knuckles going white as his complexion turned gray. "If Inanna finds out…"

  Without thinking of what I was doing, only that I needed to reassure Theo, I cupped his face. "She won't. Very few people know who Randy is, and they are people I'd trust with my life. Fewer still know about Justus. He's safe, I promise you. I'll never allow anything to happen to him." I willed Theo to have faith in me, to know I'd lay my life down for any of his children—for him. Even as I thought this, I recognized the fact we were virtual strangers. He had no reason to believe how much I already loved his pups, or understand that if he just gave me a chance, I'd love him, too.

  Theo stared at me. For the first time, his face was an expressionless mask. I waited for his judgement. I wouldn't have blamed him if he didn't believe—

  "If you trust he's safe, then I will, too." My elation was tempered watching him struggle with some decision. "Tell…" He exhaled loudly. "Tell me about my children. What has their life been like since I've been gone? How have they changed? I'm not saying I'll reveal myself to them. I refused to make a hasty decision simply because I yearn for my young. I'll decide what is best for them." His eyes held steely determination, and I grinned at his show of fire.

  Reluctantly, I released him, my palms tingling where I'd cupped his face. We spoke for a while, and he listened as I told him how the pups had come to live with Tristan. Unable to keep from drawing him close once again, I cradled him in my arms while discussing Daniel's abuse. We were Lycans and it was in our nature to touch, to want to soothe those who were in physical or emotional pain. Why was I even lying to myself? My need to hold him was purely selfish.

  Directing him to a couch, we sat close together as I told him
about Dawn and her amazing yet terrifying gift. How Justus's wolf had woken early, and the fight with Daniel when he had tried to forcibly wrench the pups away from Tristan.

  "Tristan said Neoma wrapped around Daniel's leg and bit him." I grinned at the image of her fierceness, but Theo didn't seem amused. "Your children are strong of will and character. They'll grow to be great people." I wanted to press the point that they needed him, but instead I said, "I have to leave them here until I return. Coba, one of the shadowmen, offered to remain with them and Randy. I'll instruct him to keep the kids away from here."

  Theo frowned, shifting in his seat to look at me. I sat with my back to the corner, arms laying atop the sofa back and armrest, attempting to emulate Gregori and appear casual and at ease.

  "You're only having one person look after them?" The tone of his voice said he thought I was daft if I believed one babysitter would be enough.

  "No, Mary Jane and Christie are here, too. Besides, those three are nearly inseparable. Justus won't go far from Randy, anyhow. Plus, there are the dragonets to keep them out of harm's way."

  "Christie and Mary Jane?" By his expression, I knew he was stunned.

  "Tristan invited them to be a part of the pup's lives. He said he wanted them to be surrounded by people who loved them, especially after losing you." Bastard that I was, I tacked on the last, reminding him the kids were affected by his absence.

  "Daniel said the kids' mothers didn't want to have anything to do with the pups. Goddess, I believed him. What they must think of me." He frowned, obviously upset.

  My ire rose. "Fuck what they believe. Daniel screwed with a lot of people. You're not the person you once were. If they can't see that after everything they themselves have done, then they can kiss your ass. This is your second chance. Not only a second chance at life, but with your family, with love. Don't let others steal that from you."

  Theo leaned toward me, his gaze searching my face. "Why do you care so much? They aren't your children, your responsibility."

  I found myself mimicking his action until only a couple of inches separated us. His scent mingled with clean sweat and I inhaled as if starved.

  "I've always cared, Theo." I grimaced at the memories of unrequited—something. Could it be unrequited if he hadn't even known I'd existed? "Your children are as important to me as if they were my own. I only want what's best for them."

  "Is that all you want?"

  Oh, Goddess! Did I dare to confess, to show him my interest? Would he run? Shy away, be uninterested? Could I let this opportunity pass without having my say, possibly never to gain another chance to voice what I truly desired? "If I say no, that there is something… someone I wanted, how would you reply?"

  "I'd tell you that you're setting yourself up for heartache because I'd eventually forget. One healing could wipe this moment, any moment, from my mind, and then where would you be?" Theo's words were stern, but hope shone through his eyes, giving me the courage to press further.

  "Then I'd endeavor to become your friend again, court you anew." Where the hell did the purple prose come from? I sent up a prayer to Tiamat, for surely she was the one who'd helped put my scattered thoughts in order. I could believe nothing else, because she was the one who'd granted Theo this new life.

  His gaze dropped to his lap where his hands lay fisted. "When did you acquire a sweet tongue, Stanley Kendall?" Pink tinged his golden cheeks.

  Damn if I didn't want to steal a kiss. "I've only stated what I'd do, if you allowed me."

  "Are we friends then?" How could I tell him I wanted to be everything to him? "I haven't had many. Lovers, yes. Acquaintances who claimed friendship to gain something from me, yes again. Tristan was the only one I could claim as a friend for a short time, and even then, look what I did. I betrayed him. I… my actions almost killed him. Are you sure you want to call someone like me by any name of familiarity?"

  "You aren't him anymore." I'd keep saying it until Theo started to believe. "If you want to know my opinion, you stopped being that person before you… So yes, I'll call you friend and come when you need me. And if you want more from me, someone to know you inside and out, who'd cherish the good memories, be the one who'd remember them for you, who you'd want to build a new life with, then yes, I'll offer myself to you." My heart beat a staccato rhythm in my chest as I leaned back, putting distance between us before I tackled him to the couch to taste him all over. "I'm not one of the users from your past. I'm steady, loyal, and I take care of what is mine." My voice bottomed out on the last word. Theo shuddered; I hoped not in disgust or dismay.

  While speaking with Theo, I'd made a decision. I'd work at winning his trust and then his heart. He'd see I wasn't like the others. I wouldn't use and discard him. Even though I barely knew him, something deep within whispered that this—us—was right. Almost as if we were Bashert.

  A knock came at the doorway, and my gaze snapped over to the flowing curtains. Tristan stood inside. He'd foregone the eyepatch and the glove covering his dragon traits today, and his long hair was swept up on the top of his head in a sleek ponytail. His scale silk clothing glistened as if made from the finest satin.

  I'd been so focused on Theo, I had no idea how long Tristan had stood there listening. How much had he heard? I met his sharp, assessing gaze, reminding myself Theo was no longer his lover. He'd never been Tristan's true Twin Flame. When the old guilt knocked at my heart's door, I pushed the emotion away. I betrayed neither Tristan nor Theo. Tiamat had placed Theo in Tristan's care. Tristan's concern was no different than the concern he had for Tiamat's children or the Lycans. If Theo and I became more than friends, well, Tristan had no say. So I didn't flinch from his narrowed eyes when his brow raised in a silent question.

  "Brian's leaving shortly." He glanced at Theo briefly before pinning me again with his stare. Tristan's alpha power could be oppressive until one became used to the force constantly rolling off him. Now, the energy seemed to ramp up, as if he readied himself to protect someone. Did he believe I'd harm Theo? A brief spike of pain shot through me at the thought, but then his gaze grew distant and he cocked his head to the side as if listening.

  "Will you still accompany him?" I nodded to let him know I would. Then Tristan turned his attention to Theo. "I wanted to check with you. Corey didn't tell me he wanted the pups brought here while Stan was away. Unfortunately, Ushna and I have something we must attend to and will be leaving as well. I can find another place for you to stay until—"

  "No, no need," Theo interjected. "I'll remain here in my firebird form and help watch over them."

  Tristan's face lit up with evident joy. There was something about making Tristan happy that filled my wolf with satisfaction. Logically, we Lycans would strive to please him, but there was also a part of me that marveled over the amount of influence he held, and yet he had no idea.

  Moving to stand, I said to Theo, "I'd better go. When I return, can we talk more?" I tried and failed to keep hope out of my voice. He stared up at me, again seeming to weigh his answer.

  "I'd like that." His smile was even more precious to me than Tristan's, and I returned the gesture before excusing myself, slipping past Tristan.

  My backpack was with Randy. I'd stop and say good-bye to him and the kids before I—

  "Stan!"

  Stopping, I turned and waited for Tristan to catch up. The sun had burned golden highlights into his hair, which glinted when the wind ruffled the long pony tail.

  "I wanted to thank you for whatever you said to Theo. He's been adamantly against seeing or even hearing about Justus and the girls." He threw an arm around my shoulders, his power rolling over me in a soothing wave. "Last time I stopped by, I left him pictures, feeling like an ass for doing that to him, but I needed him to see…"

  "That a new beginning didn't have to happen without them?" I supplied. Our steps matched as we continued to Randy's hut.

  "Yes." I ignored the sideways glance he gave me. "When Corey told me the kids were staying he
re while you were gone, I thought for sure Theo had fled." He paused as we stopped outside the building. "The only thing I want for Theo is happiness. I don't think he's ever truly known joy. If you're the one to show him he can have his family and more, then you two have my blessing."

  Before I could say anything, he hugged me tight. The tension I'd harbored since discovering he was privy to our conversation dissipated and I clutched Tristan back with an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

  "You seemed upset earlier, when you were in your dragon form. Is there anything I can do?" I asked when he released me.

  A wealth of sorrow filled Tristan's eyes. "We found the locations the US military is keeping our Lupe warriors. We're taking a team to free them tonight. But it always seems like I'm too late to make a difference. And with Brian insisting on sneaking into Marduk's territory, I just—" Tristan kicked at a loose rock.

  I squeezed his shoulder comfortingly. "Yeah, I know." I was well acquainted with being pulled in too many directions at once. Of worrying about loved ones entering dangerous situations, or feeling inadequate for the task set before me.

  Turning to enter Randy's hut, I stopped when Tristan called my name. "Jory was more vocal than you were about the breaking. At first, I thought he was the one who was in love with Theo. But he was defending you, wasn't he? He knew how you felt… how you still feel."

  "How did you…" I didn't know what to say. I'd agonized over confessing to Tristan what I'd hidden from him and he'd guessed?

  Tristan shoved his hands in his pockets, hunching his shoulders slightly. "When Tiamat and I talked about Theo and my responsibility, I could see there were victims other than Theo and myself when Inanna meddled with the bonds. I wondered about Jory's anger and what it meant. Perhaps one day you'll sit down with me and we'll have a beer while you tell me what happened."