Caledonia Destiny Read online

  Ewen halted in front of him, his countenance alight with wonder. “You can see the mathan’s spirit?”

  Roi glanced betwixt the three of them, examining the ethereal light that clung to them. “Not all of yer kinsmen have the light of otherness.”

  “Which ones?” Arailt asked eagerly.

  “The first day we met, the man who bade ye to kill me and those who left with him, they carry no mark I could see, yet everyone here does.”

  The corners of Ewen’s mouth spread in a huge grin rife with puffed-up satisfaction. “You can behold the spirit of our mathan.”

  Roi’s anger with Ewen stayed fresh and hot. He knew of no reason for Ewen to be pleased. Did Roi’s absence not cause him concern? Had Roi’s awe colouring Ewen as a man of good character been wishful thinking? Had he misread the many visions he had been given over the course of his lifetime, the very same ones Roi had used to mark Ewen’s character? Mayhap he misunderstood the warning of his imminent death. Roi had assumed he knew Ewen…. Now he believed he might have been wrong.

  “I spent the night up in a tree in the cold and rain. I be weary and do not think I can sit atop a horse without losing my honour by falling off.”

  Ewen spoke hastily, “I would ensure your safety.”

  Roi stared at Ewen. As dead upon his feet as he was, he would rather walk than ride with Ewen. Roi thought Ewen saw Roi’s reserve in his countenance for Ewen withdrew, his hope-filled visage falling.

  “If it be all the same to ye, I would rather find a spot in one of the wains and rest there awhile.”

  “If that be what you want.”

  “Aye, it be.”

  Ewen hesitated as if he would say more but then seemed to think better of it. Pursing his lips together, he withdrew. Donn and Arailt’s expressions became subdued as well. Too tired to make peace with them, Roi climbed aboard the wain. He knew he ought to ask after that which made them part bear, learn more about the people he would soon come to live with. Yet his anger burned hot when he thought back. Ewen could have told him at any time in the last day, that he had not only served to prove that Ewen and his clansmen deemed Roi not worthy of their trust. Then they had made a jest of Roi in the tree.

  But indeed, why should they give him their trust? He would need to continue to remind himself he was a newcomer, a stranger in their midst. He may foolishly feel connected to Ewen, but natheless, in essence Roi was simply another soul his liege had become responsible for. Ewen might like Roi enough to share his bed from time to time, but he was not Roi’s friend. Roi would not presume such familiarity again.

  XII

  EWEN REMAINED VIGILANT as Roi dozed in the last wain. His night spent in the tree had to have been harrowing. Bear desired to stay close, however Roi was displeased enough to shun Ewen’s company. To keep Bear satisfied as to Roi’s safety, Ewen ordered Arailt to ride close and guard him. Natheless, even as he mulled over Roi’s biting reprimand, he could not resist the temptation to drop back and behold with his own eyes how Roi fared.

  This morn it seemed an age since Roi had knelt at Ewen’s feet on the field of battle, though, in fact, mere days had passed. Bear was sorely displeased with the distance Roi insisted on. He would have Ewen pursue Roi like a man besotted. Though Ewen had come to respect Roi, finding him pleasing to the eye and feeling as if Roi were a long-time acquaintance, Bear was more ardent than Ewen. What Ewen had said at the ferry was true. He wanted Roi to be his, and not only for Bear’s marrae. Even so, Ewen sought to hold Roi at arm’s length because he did not know where Roi would fit in his household, with his family, or in his life. Ewen hoped they would become friends as well as lovers, and mayhap, after some time, form a type of fond devotion. Unmindful of Ewen’s hesitancy, Bear, with his growing vocalizations, demanded Ewen bestow more than friendship and casual fondness, lest they lose Roi altogether. Overjoyed though he might be with Bear’s interaction, was Ewen truly ready for the type of obligation Bear demanded he bestow unto Roi? As a man of a mature age, Ewen knew there were many levels to love. He believed he had experienced a great, consuming love with Caitriona; losing her had left his heart in tatters. In many ways, the person he had become was the ragged remains of the person he once was.

  Yet he had to admit that when he woke alone that morn he had faced absolute dread. Roi’s scent was old, telling him Roi had been gone for some time. The brief thought that Roi had stolen away in the night, leaving Ewen alone, again, made him understand clearly that whether he wanted or not, Ewen did not wish to live a life without Roi. Unknowingly, Ewen had become bound up in Roi more than he had thought possible with his shattered heart. The panic he underwent had been his own, not Bear’s. He had fooled himself into believing he pursued Roi more for Bear’s sake than his own; yet the sharp fear clawing at his insides whilst he hunted for Roi told him another story.

  Yesterday, as Roi rode beside him, Ewen’s heart had shuddered every time Roi’s eyes glowed with delight. And when Roi smiled at him with easy mirth, Ewen had become frightened. Catriona’s death had knocked him for a whirl. Losing her stole the light of day from his eye, leeching the joy Ewen held for each of his children, and left the core of him withered and blackened. It had taken more than a twelvemonth for him to begin to recover. How could he withstand another such onslaught if his heart became more entangled with Roi? So he had withdrawn as the day wore on. Last eve he had stayed away for as long as Bear allowed afore seeking Roi out.

  Now the distance he had so desired the night afore had come to pass, with Roi declining to be in his presence. Ewen despised it. How had the man crawled under his skin in only a few days? He wished he could speak to Granda about marrae, because he was lost.

  Donn pulled his horse up next to Ewen’s. “Quit scowling so. Ye be distressing our kin.”

  “I know not what I be doing with Roi.” The bitter confession did not sit well.

  His brother stayed silent for awhile afore asking, “Why did ye not tell him about yer mathan? I would think that of all people, Roi would understand and not accuse ye of being an abomination. Explaining our heritage ought to have been easy, and yet ye left him in the dark. Were ye trying to frighten him off? Do ye not trust him? If it be a matter of trust, place him in shackles and retain this distance he has placed betwixt the two of ye.”

  Ewen shot an angry glare at his brother, yet Donn ignored him.

  “I feel guilty for scaring the man up a tree when he knew not that we patrol in our animal form.” Regret rang in Donn’s voice. “I shall find some way to make it up to him. If ye decide to place him in shackles, I shall pay for his freedom when we arrive home. I would make him an honoured member of my household and teach our heritage as I woo him to my bed.”

  Fury rose within Ewen at Donn’s barely veiled challenge. “Guard your words, brother, afore you overstep your bounds.”

  Donn reined his horse in closer until his leg brushed Ewen’s. “Marrae be precious,” he snapped, glaring balefully at Ewen. “Do ye think being here be easy for him? We be unknown to him. He be an islander, has been all his life. How do ye think he finds this place? Ye be responsible for his well being, and he be floundering. Any with eyes can behold his struggle—except for ye. Take care of yer mathan’s marrae, or I shall keep my promise and take him from ye.”

  “How? I know not what I am supposed to do,” Ewen snapped back angrily. He wanted to punch the mocking expression from Donn’s face but stayed his hand. He glanced back to where Roi rode in the wains, knowing without being told that Roi would not be pleased if Ewen raised a hand to his brother.

  Donn bestowed upon him a derisive sneer. “Yer beast knows. No wonder ye cannot shift. Ye ignore the needs of yer mathan. Did ye listen not to any of Da’s teachings? Do ye think ye be the only one he told the lore to? Ye have spent yer life forcing it behind ye because ye believe ye know better.” Ewen’s brother snorted with barely concealed loathing afore he prodded his horse forward to ride ahead of the wains, his back stiff and straight with anger.


  Ewen wished he could to be angry. He wanted Donn to be wrong. But Donn said naught that was untrue. Ewen did struggle with his mathan, ignoring him and imposing his will upon Bear since the very beginning. He was aware that Granda’s teaching and Da’s were at times in conflict. Da had been not there when Granda said Bear had had a fit of temper and Ewen lost his grasp upon him. He only remembered Bear waking afore his time. Ewen recalled Bear being overjoyed but that something had happened, for Bear had wanted to shift, and Ewen remembered naught after Bear’s urging.

  Was it strange he remembered nary a thing, that Granda had stressed points counter to what Da had taught Ewen of their mathans? Bear shifted within Ewen, making a noise of assent. Every mention of Granda brought a cold fury to Bear that Ewen did not understand. Bear recalled the one and only time Ewen had come close to shifting. Granda had been the one to push Bear back, for they had been amongst outsiders. After that incident, Bear never again came forward for the change. He remained in the back of Ewen’s mind, not speaking, holding ill will towards Granda, especially when Granda insisted Ewen maintain an iron grip over Bear. For so long, Ewen had believed Bear was ill-tempered. Had Granda been wrong?

  Since Roi had entered their lives, Bear had become restless, pushing at the boundaries set on him long ago. With faltering doubt, Ewen had loosened his hold on Bear, surprised when he spoke. Since then, Bear had interacted with Ewen more and more. Bear’s mind was not feral as he had been told. In short, single word sentences, Bear said what he wanted afore retreating once again as if he expected Ewen to cuff him for speaking up. Was that what Granda had taught him? To abuse his mathan? Would he disappear if Ewen allowed Bear free will? Had Granda taught Ewen those harsh lessons in order to scare him into compliance? From then until now, outside of the field of battle, Bear had never been assertive to the point that Ewen laboured to keep him in line. No one else struggled with their animal, yet neither were their mathans as strong as Bear. Mayhap Ewen was as weak willed as Granda had shamed him into believing. If he lost his grasp upon Bear at the wrong time, the outcome would bring ruin upon his kinsmen—or so Granda had said.

  But what if Granda’s telling were untrue? For some time now, Ewen had been wondering. To ever be in conflict with his mathan when he knew others lived in harmony, to ever be upon his guard, never trusting himself—what else had Granda said that was awry?

  The activity of his beast was not the only issue. With Roi, Ewen was out of his depth, not as quick of mind. He had not floundered this much since… he gave a soft snort of irony. Caitriona. His undertaking to court her had been nigh disastrous.

  When the sky darkened to the point sight would be hindered, he ordered the men to make camp. Roi climbed out of the wain to assist with unhitching the oxen. Ewen stayed close, though Roi ignored his presence. Bear wanted to comfort their companion. Alas, Ewen knew not what his reception would be. He searched for something to speak to Roi about. Something as mundane as the weather and the coming growing season ought to be acceptable. Even so, every single time he opened his mouth the words dried up and drifted away.

  After a cold meal, Roi laid out his bedroll. Ewen placed his next to Roi’s. The confounding man picked up his bedding and moved across the campfire. Bear bade him have patience. Keeping in mind Donn’s harsh words, Ewen hearkened to Bear’s wisdom. They watched Roi settle in for the night afore they crept over, sneaking their bedroll next to Roi’s.

  Hastily crawling under their covers, Ewen snatched Roi back down when he laboured to rise. “Please, Roi, have patience with me. I be sorry I hurt you. I be out of my depth. I promise I shall explain everything to you.”

  Roi lay unyielding whilst Ewen buried his nose in Roi’s hair, inhaling Roi’s scent as Bear grunted with pleasure.

  Roi turned and gazed at Ewen, his blue eyes unreadable. “Again, ye need not ask pardon of me, a mere manservant.”

  “Surely you cannot believe such? I have held you in my arms, watched your face flush as you spend. I have shared with you stories of my family and home. Do you believe I treat all as I do you? I be confused, and have bumbled because I take lovers to my bed not lightly. You intrigue me and confound me and oft times my tongue be tied when you be about.” Ewen sighed, nosing Roi’s hair aside to kiss his neck. “Roi, you be more than a mere manservant. I shall explain if you have patience. You have a right to your anger, for I hurt you. I want more than for you to warm my bed, but it has been a long time since… you make me feel young and foolish.”

  Roi’s eyes softened. Hesitantly, he placed a palm upon Ewen’s stubbled cheek. “I wish I knew where my place be in yer world. I see not how I fit.”

  “Your place be with me.”

  Roi merely sighed. “We shall see.”

  Ewen rolled onto his back, pulling Roi with him and settling Roi as firmly against his side as Roi allowed. Never afore had Ewen counted how fortunate he was to have such men about him as kin. Holding Roi as he did was not done in the open amongst the other clans. Some clans ignored such couplings as long as the interactions were kept behind closed doors, others banished kin for such displays.

  Not all his clansmen would react as these men did. Cináed would not be accepting, for all that his and Ewen’s lands were as separate as they could be under the circumstances. With Cináed and the followers true to him, Ewen and his kin would need take care. As Roi had pointed out earlier, Cináed’s people were not like them and understood not the bond they had with their marrae. As dark buildsears, Cináed’s followers would strike at Ewen’s people for being what they were—wyrbears.

  Roi did not believe him when he assured Roi his place was by Ewen’s side. He knew Roi desired him; Bear smelled his arousal. Yet Ewen had not bestowed unto Roi a reason to trust him. Afore sleep claimed Ewen, he understood what he needed to do. His mathan hummed, content for once, agreeing with Ewen’s chosen course of action. Ewen only prayed his efforts did not come too late.

  ~ : § : ~

  THE NEXT MORN EWEN rose early and stoked the fire. Roi wandered into the forest to release his water. When he returned, Ewen bade him sit atop the furs. With an unsure countenance, Roi sat and watched Ewen approach with a wary eye. Ewen took Roi’s hand and used the warm, wet linen to wash it. He rinsed the cloth in the crock of water and repeated the motions with the other hand, gently touching the abraded flesh and each of the scabs where Roi had injured himself climbing the tree.

  The camp was utterly quiet as he administered to Roi afore the gazes of his kin. He did not glance into Roi’s eyes until he took the cloth to Roi’s face, cleansing the dust of the road from Roi’s forehead and cheeks. Roi’s eyes were large and round with his confusion, but he did not stay Ewen’s hand, giving Ewen hope. He unlaced Roi’s boots, pulled them from his feet, and began to wash them as well. He had not imagined he would be so nervous declaring his intentions in front of his kinsmen, but this moment was important, mayhap the most important declaration Ewen would make in his lifetime.

  “Roi mhic Alric, I, Ewen mhic Friscalach, would have it known that I hereby put forth afore my kinsmen my petition to court you. I humbly ask that you consider my request and if you accept, allow no other to court you until the time you decide either to accept my hand or decline it.”

  Roi turned pale as milk. Apprehension pooled in Ewen’s gut as he awaited for Roi to shun him. He deserved no less for what he had done, avoiding Roi only to succumb to his desires, waking Roi from sleep to beg Roi to touch him. Whilst Roi spoke truth, Ewen had bestowed upon him harsh words instead of Ewen’s own truth in return. He should have confided in Roi, given him the story of his people’s lineage. Roi’s lack of faith in Ewen was Ewen’s own doing.

  Roi placed his hand over Ewen’s where he washed the dirt from Roi’s feet. “Ye be of noble blood, ye do not have to do this.”

  He captured Roi’s hand betwixt his palms. “Then tell me how to win back your trust.” Roi’s visage hardened, but not afore Ewen beheld the brief flame of longing in Roi’s eyes. “I shall find a way bac
k into your confidence, Roi, and when I do, you shall never have reason to throw me out again.”

  After placing Roi’s hand in his lap, Ewen returned to cleansing his feet, then slipped his boots over his calves and carefully laced them up. Ewen had brought over a knotted square of linen, which he gave to Roi afore he rose to his feet with the crock of dirty water. Roi untied the cloth and stared down at the food Ewen had gathered for him. The offering was not much: the last piece of flat bread, some pine nuts, and the best slices of their dried meat.

  Donn grinned and nodded as Ewen passed by on his way to the stream to rinse out the crock. Kneeling at the edge of the water, Ewen then splashed the cold water onto his face, growling at the way his hands trembled.

  Bear chuffed with mirth. “Good.”

  With that one single word, Bear soothed Ewen’s frayed nerves. For the first time that he could recall, Bear rubbed gently against his skin as if to console him. Crouched at the water’s edge, Ewen held still in shock, actually able to sense Bear’s emotions without Bear saying the words. When Roi was with them, Bear came alive, showing naught of the violent creature Granda had warned Ewen of. Bear now spoke to, and even interacted with Ewen, all thanks to Roi. Ewen wiped the dripping water from his face with a new clarity.

  “Ewen.” He glanced over his shoulder to behold Roi standing at the edge of the trees. Anger still pinched the corners of Roi’s lips but his hands twisted with uncertainty. “I shall not allow another to court—” his brows dipped into a hard V as if he could hardly believe his own words, “—me until I either decline or accept yer… yer…” He huffed. “I know not what ye be thinking courting a man, Ewen. Everything ye do confounds me no end, and my mind counsels me to leave ye be but—” Roi rubbed at his left breast, his palm pressing into his chest as if he attempted to soothe an ache, “—I find I cannot deny yer request, regardless of how unseemly it be. I never thought ye to be a daft man afore.” The last was said under Roi’s breath.